More Than Our Story
Moving Beyond Grief
Table of Contents
Dealing With Grief and Loss
We all handle grief and loss differently, there is a lot to digest and process before we can move forward with our lives. Whether it’s losing our financial stability, the breakdown of a relationship or dream, or the death of a loved one – all of us deal with stressful situations in our own way. Thankfully there are lessons that can help us navigate these tough times, and help us make the most of a bad situation.
This article highlights the emotions we experience as we navigate loss, and shares some strategies for coping with, learning from, and ultimately accepting and moving beyond grief. No stranger to grief myself after my cancer diagnosis, some of these strategies have helped me. I also added inspirational quotes that motivated me, and hopefully will help you as well.
The 5 Stages of Grief
The five most commonly accepted stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Grieving is a uniquely personal experience – there is no specific order in which these stages should be, or are experienced – and the emotions are often overwhelming and confusing. Feeling this way is a natural and necessary step in the healing journey. Healing from grief is possible, but it takes time, patience, and work.
REACH OUT:
If you’re having a hard time dealing with your grief, resources like support groups, counselling and mental healthcare professionals can help, even your friends and family can help support you - you don't need to go through this alone.
The Kübler-Ross Model
Mental health experts study grief and the emotions that come with it. One of these experts was Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss American psychiatrist, who created the Kübler-Ross model, theorizing the five stages of grief and loss in her 1969 book, “On Death and Dying.” Her book – originally referred to as the “five stages of death” due to her work with terminally ill patients – covered the five most common emotions her patients experienced. She later updated her model to include other kinds of loss, becoming “the five stages of grief”.
This article focuses on sharing strategies that can help you improve your outlook, process your thoughts and feelings, and move beyond your grief. These following 5 steps are presented as wayfinders, emotional landmarks along your healing journey to assure you that what you’re feeling is normal and healthy.
Denial
Denial is a defense mechanism that helps people negate the shock and pain of loss. It’s easier for people to imagine a mistake has been made than accept reality. This stage of grief is natural and helps people process their loss at their own pace. Once ready to proceed, the feeling and emotion that were denied will resurface, and healing can continue.
Anger
Feeling anger is common with grief and tends to be the first thing felt when we start processing the emotions related to grief and loss. The anger may be directed towards themselves, the situation, or even the person they lost. Underneath that anger is pain,which is necessary for healing.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
- Buddha
Bargaining
Bargaining comes from a feeling of helplessness, giving us a perceived sense of control over what’s happening. Asking yourself the question, “what if I did something different?” is common while searching for ways the loss could have been prevented. Bargaining is a necessary step as you begin to confront the reality of your loss.
Depression
Depression is experienced differently by everyone – there is no right or wrong way to pass through it. It arises from facing reality and is a natural part of the grieving process. As with the other stages, it is a necessary part of your healing.
Acceptance
Acceptance is about acknowledging your loss and learning to live with it, not necessarily being okay with it. As with the other stages, there are no universal rules around timelines or order, but eventually your time spent at this stage will become more permanent as you come to acceptance.
Healing Strategies
As I mentioned earlier, this article is not about reviewing the stages of grief, they were presented to inform, educate and share that how we’re feeling is normal and healthy. What we’re going to review now is strategies for how to move forward with our lives in a constructive way once we have started to grieve. Just like the five stages of grieving, these strategies are not necessarily an ordered undertaking, consider them wayfinders along your healing journey.
Managing Expectations
Refocus The Issue
Our minds are great at blowing things out of proportion – turning minor setbacks into catastrophes. Few things in life are irreversible – losing your job, your home, although challenging – these things can all be solved, sometimes they even open the door to new experiences and opportunities that would not otherwise be explored. Even when presented with the grimmest of realities – your own death – reflection can lead to wonderful places, realizations, goals and aspirations that would never have been considered before. I’m reminded of my own goal after finding out I had brain cancer – of founding More Than Our Story, and sharing people’s stories of strength and resilience to inspire others. So make sure to ask yourself the question: “is this really the end of the world?” because even if it is the end of your world, there’s no reason you can’t become better, stronger, more emotionally and empathetically connected with the world around you with the time you have left.
"I’m cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally."
- Dave Chappelle
Expect The Worst
Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Planning for the worst case scenario helps you prepare yourself for the biggest battle – that way you’re ready for anything.
"If we are wise, let us prepare for the worst."
- George Washington
Reduce Your Expectation
Great expectations can lead to great disappointments. Reducing your expectations will limit your disappointment, while making any enjoyable outcome a pleasant surprise.
My expectations were reduced to zero when I was 21. Everything since then has been a bonus."
- Stephen W. Hawking, The Science of Second-Guessing
(New York Times Magazine Interview, December 12, 2004)
Moving Towards Acceptance
Don’t Look Back In Anger
As much as we want to dwell and focus on our mistakes, progressing through it both mentally and emotionally are crucial, and necessary steps.
Accept Your Grief
Accepting your grief is pivotal. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can move beyond and begin to heal. Focus your positive energy on the future – what’s done is done and cannot be changed.
Be Ready For Change
Failure can open new doors and opportunities. Be mindful and ready when opportunity appears – if you’ve been wanting to switch careers, start exploring now what it takes so that when the opportunity comes, you’ll be ready.
"If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten."
– Tony Robbins
Reflection and Learning
Learn From Your Mistakes
Learn from what and where you may have gone wrong. Analyze the experience and try to answer the questions you come up with. You may not like your answers, but you can still learn from them. Incorporate your findings into your new strategy and turn your negative experience into a positive one.
“Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to error that counts.”
- Nikki Giovanni, American Poet
Learn The Hidden Lesson
Try and unearth the life lessons buried within your experience. Focus on positive, empowering changes, and be aware of opportunities to employ them.
"We cannot solve problems with the kind of thinking we employed when we came up with them"
- Albert Einstein
Adopt Gratitude
In almost any situation there’s something to be grateful for, search hard enough and you’ll find it.
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend."
- Melody Beattie, Self-Help Author
Life Is Not Fair
As kids we focus on fairness; the truth is life: is not fair. Shed the belief that things will always work themselves out, that hard work will be rewarded, we’re only hurting ourselves by hanging on to these notions. Life just is.
"It’s better in fact to be guilty of manslaughter than of fraud about what is fair and just."
- Plato
Stay Positive
Smile and be positive – it can make a huge impact. Staying positive improves your mood and is pivotal for happiness and healing. It can stave off depression, and even lower distress and pain.
"It always seems impossible until it is done."
- Nelson Mandela
Be The Light
No matter how dark the situation, try bringing light to it by being the change you wish to see.
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
You’re Stronger Than You Realize
We’ve all been in dark places and felt powerless – you’re stronger than you realize.
"You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."
– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Consider Your Timeline
We often get caught up in the moment, overwhelmed by the task at hand. Take a breath and reconsider the timeline – it’s probably not as bad as you thought. Break down your solution into manageable, meaningful tasks and chip away.
"Have a bias toward action – let’s see something happen now. You can break that big plan into small steps and take the first step right away."
- Indira Gandhi
Moving Beyond Grief
Focus On Your Capabilities
We often have more control over our own fate than we realize, and situations are made worse by focusing on what we can’t control. Reframe the situation, focusing on what we want, what is within our control, and what opportunities may have been gained.
"If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Imitate Your Role Models
After my diagnosis I would often ask myself, “How would someone I respect handle this situation?”. Reflecting on that and acting in that way reinforced my pride and determination, replacing doubt and disappointment.
"Instruction is good for a child but example is worth more."
- Alexandre Dumas
Be Proactive
Be positive and proactive. There are always ways to improve your situation and make your outlook more positive. Research ways to remove yourself from your current situation and move forwards.
"I like to encourage people to realize that any action is a good action if it's proactive and there is positive intent behind it."
- Michael J. Fox
Know Your Boundaries
Know where you stand and set clear, personal boundaries, so you know when it’s time to move on if presented with additional grief or loss.
“Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.”
- Eckhart Tolle
Executing Your Plan
Embrace Your Missteps
A misstep is an opportunity to reconsider your path, not just a dead end. It’s easy to lose sight of where you’ve come from and where you’re going when you’re always looking at your feet. After a misstep, pick yourself up, look where you’ve come from, then consider where it is you want to go next, and set off again. It’s healthy to revisit your goals and reassess things, even if it doesn’t seem productive or beneficial at the time.
"The beginning is the most important part of the work."
- Plato
Work Harder
Be better prepared, more positive, and more motivated next time. Ask yourself why you failed and avoid making the same mistakes.
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
- Maya Angelou, American poet, and civil rights activist
Failure Is An Opportunity
Don’t be afraid of failure, it’s an opportunity to improve, and to finish what you started. You’re not the first person to fail, nor will you be the last. Bounce back quickly and learn from your mistakes.
"Believe you can and you're halfway there."
- Theodore Roosevelt
Be Assertive
Set aside your fears, stand up for yourself and be heard. Don’t worry about others, focus on being thoughtful, respectful, and honest.
"Never argue; repeat your assertion."
- Robert Owen
Stand Behind Your Values
Stand behind your values, they define you. When you are used to doing what is right, you stop worrying about other people’s opinions and build up your self-confidence. Aligning with your values also helps you find your purpose and achieve your goals.
"Values aren't buses... They're not supposed to get you anywhere. They're supposed to define who you are."
- Jennifer Crusie, Author
Give Your Best
Always give your best – you’ll have no regrets and build determination and resilience.
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”
- Confucius
Be Grateful
It’s difficult to feel down when you are feeling gratitude. Take time to notice and reflect upon the things you’re thankful for, you’ll feel more positive, empathetic and optimistic. Try journaling your gratitudes before bed and you’ll be pleasantly surprised how well you sleep.
"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful."
– Buddha
Resources
Grief and loss can be profound, and there is no universal way we deal with it. Hopefully the above strategies can help you better navigate through tough times when grieving. Nothing you feel is wrong, and is all part of the healing journey. That said, make sure to speak up if your grief is leading you to dark places – you don’t need to suffer in silence. Resources like support groups, counsellors, mental healthcare professionals, even family and friends can help you get through this.
SOURCES
- Medium, 5 Simple Steps to Make The Best Out of Any Bad Situation, March 20 2021, Sanjeev Yadav
- Psychology Today, How to Make the Best of a Bad Situation, February 16 2021, Tina Gilbertson LPC, Medically reviewed by Abigail Fagan
- Pysch Central, The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief, February 11 2021, Sandra Silva Casabianca, Medically reviewed by C.C. Cassell, Psy.D.
- Entrepreneur, 6 Ways You Can Make Bad Situations Better, July 10 2015, Chelsea Berler
- Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life, How to Make the Best of a Bad Situation, Michelle Maros
- Happify, The Science Behind Gratitude (and How It Can Change Your Life), Derrick Carpenter, MAPP
- Tiny Buddha, 7 Ways To Get Past Tough Situations Quickly, Lori Deschene
Daniel
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