Nicholas Whitaker
After his layoff, Nicholas Whitaker co-founded the Changing Work Collective, become a life and career coach and devoted himself to improving workplaces, leaders and work culture.
More Than Our Story
Dr. Caesar Lim
Dr. Caesar Lim talks about his podcast The Capable Dads that he co-hosts along with two other fathers of young children, where they candidly discuss their lived experiences, their shared enjoyment of being fathers, and how they navigate parenting in today’s modern world.
Highlights
We wanted to do something that would allow dads to be a little bit more social. We felt that there was a lot of isolation... especially among men, and fathers of young kids can be quite busy... you kind of put your life on hold a little bit for them.
The thing that really drew us together - the three of us, was our love for parenting, the love of fatherhood.
The idea wasn't meant to be a podcast about experts. We're by no means experts. We have no specific training in parenting. It's about a lived experiences, and what it's like raising young kids in the modern day, with technology in the world post-pandemic, and sharing those experiences, for other fathers out there... To find ways to relate to each other and talk about some of the challenging things about being fathers.
There's a lot of people out there that are experts, and we really appreciate their opinions and what they have to offer. But sometimes, there's a bit of a disconnect because, (when) we listen to these experts and we think, "wow, you know, if only I could do those things that they recommend, if only I could pull all that off. I'd be such an amazing father". But in real life, it's not realistic to put that expectation on yourself, to be able to do all those things. Ao I think this podcast is really just to talk about the reality of it. Despite listening to all these experts, there's only so much we can accomplish and practically.
[On naming the podcast The Capable Dads:] This was a bit of a point of controversy among the three of us when we first started... I just threw a name out there: "capable dads"... (it felt a little) self-congratulatory... When we kind of broke it down... all it really says is that we're doing our job... We're not perfect. We make mistakes like everybody else, but we do the best we can and we get the job done.
A lot of the the topics that we talk about on the show... are things that a lot of fathers, a lot of men out there have in their head, but may not talk about it openly, may not be comfortable bringing it out to the surface. A large part of it is talking about men's mental health.
A lot of topics are (also) about what it's like living in the modern day... A lot of people in our generation grew up in a world that was very different than it is right now, and I think as parents, we only know what it was like when we were kids. So when we try to raise our kids in this current society and current technology it's something that can be quite overwhelming.
I think a lot of people out there say that the way we parent our kids, is the way that we wish we were parented when we were young.
Since becoming a father, I really had to dig deep to see what are the decisions I'm making for my kid, and why do I make those decisions.
[On personal growth since starting the show:] The connection that I had with the other dads on the show - it's probably the first time I connected with someone at that level... I think of times when you go meet up socially... meeting with a bunch of dads in the park or grabbing a beer with somebody, you talk a little superficially... The podcast really allowed us to really dive deep into these challenges. I think the growth there, it's just allowing us to process it in real time, talking it out with each other, getting each other's opinions, and so I think in that perspective, it helps us grow a lot as parents.
We wouldn't want our kids to suffer unnecessarily. But at the same time, we can't do everything for them, otherwise they're never going to learn. They're going to feel like they can always depend on their caregiver to complete the task for them. They won't know how to troubleshoot, they won't know how to problem solve. I think that allowing them to make calculated mistakes... so they can learn, is one of the most challenging things to do as a parent.
As long a no one's getting hurt physically and it hasn't escalate to the point where I do need to intervene. I try to give (my kids) a chance to solve their arguments, and allow them to have that discussion with each other.... I try my hardest to take a step back, to allow them to have that skill, to negotiate, to discuss it with each other. So that they can come to a consensus... and I do think that's probably a good life lesson for the kids.
[On how fathers can strive to maintain their children's trust:] We're all going through it for the first time ourselves, so I can talk to you 20 years from now and let you know if it worked or not... I would say one of my biggest pillars is maintaining respect between me and my kid, and it goes both ways. If I want them to respect me, I have to respect them, and if I can demonstrate that respect, then I can maintain their trust.
There's an intrinsic power differential (between my children and I), so I need to somehow show them that despite that power differential, I still will respect them and I will trust them as long as they show me that they are trustworthy.
When (our children) get into the adolescent years and they distance themselves... and I think that makes sense evolutionarily - for them to become independent, for them to be an adult. They have to be able to distance themselves so they can actually strive and thrive in their life, and when they do distance themselves, if they still see me as a trusted figure... Having them have that trust in me (when they are struggling) and come to me is to me one of the biggest wins.
They'll need to know how to use a computer (and) how to use a cell phone - so I don't want to deny them of that exposure. But what I do want to delay as much as possible is their connection to social media, and specifically, that they are communicating and interacting with the entire world, and having an algorithm tell them what to be exposed to, rather than either me as a parental figure, or them consciously making decision about what they want to expose themselves to.
[On discussing conflict with your children:] I don't think there is a specific time of when you should or should not have these conversations. [They're] not a single conversation - they span probably years. So let's say we're talking about violence in movies and TV shows... I think it starts off at a very young age because kids are going to be exposed to violence the second they start going to playground and there's a dispute about who gets the monkey bars and things start escalating. That's not to say that it goes to violence, but it's conflict, and violence essentially is a later stage of conflict. So I think having those discussions early is important to discuss. What do you do in a state of conflict? What do you do when you know you disagree with somebody else? How do you approach that situation? Then as the years go on and they get a little bit older, those discussions become a little bit more complex.
[On being an emergency doctor:] I think working in emergency medicine, I view the world in a very specific way, a lot of it is a risk calculation... At the same time, me being a father has really changed how I am as an emergency physician as well. I've developed a lot more empathy and a lot more understanding towards the people I see at work. When I see a troubled person in their adult life, when it comes to do with things like mental health, I think back, where did this person come from? What was his childhood like or her childhood like that resulted in the situation that they're ending up in my department in this circumstance?
Everyone could say I'm doing a terrible job, but as long as my kid comes up to me like and says "I am so grateful for everything you've done for me, I wouldn't have wanted any other person to be my dad". That's the win for me.
I hope people really see the importance of we as parents... how important our decisions are for the future of our kids. Parenting is not easy by any means. It's probably one of the hardest things to do in life, and every decision we make will have lasting effects on their future... (You think) they're too young to remember, but they likely will... And 20 years, 30 years from now, they'll say "I remember when my dad said this to me when I was five, and it just made me feel so happy".
There's not there's one form of parenting that we endorse, it's more so just being mindful parents, and just (getting you to) think a little bit before acting... because it's likely going to shape who they are in the future.
The Capable Dads Podcast
Welcome to The Capable Dads, the podcast where we share our stories and insights as modern fathers. Join us, Caesar, Brendan and Stan, as we discuss the challenges and joys of being dads in today’s world. We cover topics such as men’s mental health, young fatherhood, parenting tips, and personal growth. This is a podcast for fathers who want to learn, grow, and connect to be a Dedicated Involved Loving Father. Tune in every week for a new episode and don’t forget to subscribe and leave a comment. We hope you enjoy our podcast and find it helpful and inspiring.
@capabledads
Visit and follow The Capable Dads on Instagram.
Daniel
Daniel is an extremely curious person, a wealth of random knowledge and facts. Extremely passionate about a vast array of interests ranging from health to history, science to athletics, everything culinary and the list goes on. Trust us, you would want to be on his team for Trivial Pursuit.
Daniel is also years into his battle with brain cancer. He experienced a seizure while on a Zoom call at work in late 2020 and quite literally, his life changed within minutes. After his operation he started to talk about his story but had always known it was more than just him. From then, More Than Our Story became a PROJECT that has evolved into the starting point it is today.
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Dr. Caesar Lim
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